A Small Glimpse

Every now and then, I get a small glimpse into God's view.  These moments always leave me speechless and awestricken.

In the wee hours of the morning, I was nursing Vincent.  I was holding my beautiful baby boy and staring deep into his big brown eyes constantly wondering how I could love this little perfect person so much.  He was all-consuming with my attention while perfectly dependent on his momma for shelter, food, clothing, protection, and comfort.  With the soft amber glow of the dimmed light, I realized that he had always been a part of me.

As I reflected on how this new addition to our family had always been a part of me, I remembered a similar thought about Dan.  I had just gotten out of a long term relationship and was looking forward to being single.  I wanted freedom and flexibility.  I did not want to be attached to anyone.  I wanted some time to just be me.  While I had only been single for a few days, I knew God wanted me to date Dan so I surrendered to God's will and we started dating September 28, 2006.  After dating for only a few weeks, I knew I was meant to marry Dan.  I never understood when someone said, "I just knew" as in I-just-knew-that-he/she-was-meant-to-be-my-spouse because how do you "just know" something that big?  God showed me and I just knew that Dan and I would be married one day.  In those early weeks of dating, it was like Dan and I had always known each other.  I was able to and felt comfortable being my crazy, silly self.  I did not hold back any part of who I was because our relationship was so natural.  I never felt self-conscious of being my little kid self.  We were married on August 22, 2009.  It was like he was always a part of me, I just had not met him yet.

Not that dogs are children but it was similar with our dogs.  Once we bought our house in July of 2009, we got got Dolce.  My big black Great Dane girl just fit our lives.  She effortlessly adjusted to us and us to her.  We had only had her a few days but I remember thinking it was like we had always had her.  She seemed to complete our little family.  While picking up dog supplies at the county animal shelter, I went to see a Great Dane puppy I saw on the website earlier that morning.  This pretty girl puppy was a holy terror and needed a special home to teacher her how to be a good dog.  My heart melted and we started fostering Rose in January of 2010.  She was a wild one but a quick learner and in a short amount of time she was trained.  Needless to say, we failed fostering and adopted her and now I can't image our house without her.  Both dogs were always a part of our family, we just had not met them yet.

Which leads me back to Vincent.  I never thought I would be married and I was okay with being single.  I just didn't think marriage was in the cards for me but thankfully God showed me differently with Dan.  Because I never thought I would be married, I also never thought I would be a mother.  I had a doctor tell me I would not be able to conceive.  I did not particularly like children, especially the ones that could not walk and talk.  I just never felt like I had that mom-gene to be a good mother.  I did not feel like I had to have children to be a complete woman.  Thankfully, God gradually showed me differently.  My heart softened and I realized that I was meant to be a mother.  My beautiful boy was born on December 20, 2012.  Even in those first precious moments of holding him, our bond felt purely natural and complete.  When I look into his eyes, I am overwhelmed with the realization of how my own parents feel about me.  Sometimes I am brought to tears by the overwhelming, primal, powerful love I have for him.  He had always been a part of me, I just had not met him yet.

While I am sure God would have blessed the various other directions I could have chosen for my life, I have a small glimpse of how free will and predestination coincide.  I could have taken a number of different paths.  I had the free will to make those choices.   God knew who I would become and yet had perfectly planned certain people for me.  While I chose Dan and Vincent, they had always been a part of me, I just had not met them yet.